In braces ({}) = Neurotic/anxious thoughts as I wrote this post. {using braces, probably wrong}.
I'm neurotic. I think a lot of scientists are. I am getting a little better at doing something and yet I have a lot of times of paralysis where it's just completely uncertain what I should do, where I ought to go, what is the next step. Experiment fails. {Do I set it up again? the exact same way? What failed? Was it me? It was probably me. I have horrible hands. My knowledge is incomplete (easy criticism for a scientist to level against themselves- by definition, our knowledge is incomplete, it's why we're doing experiments)}.
I was speaking with a fellow postdoc yesterday about how being a postdoc in these uncertain times of low academic employment, a downturn in pharma/biotech hiring, the disconnect between our training and potential jobs we could get is wide, and how that fuels a special level of neurosis and anxiety {Overly long sentence. Oh no! I can't write either}. Science (AAAS) just put out an individual development plan web application for Ph.D. students and early career postdocs {for all postdocs really...but like Darth Vader at the end of ROTJ I think 'it is too late for me'- what a random reference}. I actually am giving it a try; It seems great, if one is willing to use it fully. {What the f**k is my problem? Why can't I just use all these great resources available to me, w/o excuses? Why am I always loath to ask for help? My brain is wrong. I tell myself that, and have basically been told that several times, so it might just be true}.
I am trying to dare greatly. My mind screams at me from deep down, slightly less loud this last year, but still loud enough that I can't ignore it very well either. I am not my immediate thoughts. I can challenge my negative thoughts, and do that more often now. In that sense I am back online and functioning {if you count still feeling stuck as functioning}.
One issue that I think postdocs/grad students often have {including me, seriously, what is wrong with me?} is that we feel like we're not in positions to influence things. We do what we're told- it's hard to let go and just be our creative selves, which is what science requires. {I can't do that experiment, it'll cost too much money, I need to think this through before doing it so I don't waste time, I can't reveal anything, otherwise someone will steal my ideas and get them out before I do, I can't be independent- I need my advisors input on everything I do, I don't know enough about technique X to actually do it well so I shouldn't try it until I've exhaustively read up on it even though learning by doing is the best way to learn something, I can't say I don't know something because everyone around will think I'm stupid and unenlightened}. We're small, PIs are big, sometimes we feel more like indentured servants than valued colleagues {seriously, something must be wrong with my brain}.
I feel a lot better about asking, looking stupid doing it, and trying to learn for myself and be more aggressive about what I want. {Not enough though. Still don't seem to know enough, be savvy enough, be enough, why not? My brain is wrong somehow- I need to challenge that, not sure exactly how to go about it after years of counter-training to thinking I'm not enough}.
My brain is neurotic. too much so. I don't know if other people have the same thoughts, but it seems that most of my friends who aren't academics have a clearer mind about things whereas most of my postdoc and grad student friends all tend towards the neurotic and anxious.
Is it something about the environment we're in? I think that has something to do with it. Progress and egress are slow in academia which breeds anxious thoughts. My friends in the private sector all seem to have less time to think, which is a good thing for moving forward. There also seems to be more of a culture in academia that we are our work. Take that away and we're nothing. I think that breeds a lot of anxiety and neurosis too, especially in times when we're trying to step away and do other things with our lives which is getting more and more common.
{By expressing all this, I'm probably hurting myself in some way. Everything I say is an excuse. Something is seriously wrong with me that I think these thoughts. I spent my morning blogging rather than doing something productive. Does this count as doing something worthwhile? Writing practice?}.
Back to challenging my brain into being better about everything and anything. And to getting myself out into the world, rather than being my introverted and sometimes shy self.
September 8, 2012
August 27, 2012
Crack.
I am reading Beth Buelow's e-book Insight: Reflections on the Gifts of Being an Introvert and ran across this quote in chapter 16 talking about vulnerability:
"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."- Leonard Cohen
I have also been thinking a bit about how science is like crack, the addictive drug. Both ideas- of a crack letting light in or out to connect an individual to the world and the drug have been floating in my head lately.
With this blog, part of the idea was to let the light out, to be vulnerable and express what's going on inside. It is still terrifying to me to post sometimes- I worry that what I express will come back to bite me, but then I also know that it's hard to make progress from a standpoint of perfectionism.
So with that, I'm going to open up a bit about my addiction to science (I don't think I'm alone in this feeling, either) and how I think it may well be negatively impacting my life and what I am trying to do about it, finally, though I still feel stuck in some ways and am not sure how to get moving forward again.
Current scientists almost always fall in love with science when they're young. And in my generation, anyhow, I got convinced I had to be perfect in everything and never show that I was struggling in any way. That's when 'they' pounce (sometimes 'they' were very real, mostly, I think it was in my head). So perfectionist kid falls in love with science and what I picked up on in the culture of science is that if you are not 100% devoted to it, you're not a 'real scientist'- you don't care enough. I spent grad school being as devoted as I could to work, even when it was apparent that I was burning out and depression was setting in, I coped by exercising more regularly and seeing a therapist (This is an excellent piece on what it's like: "Most people don't see depression in others, and that's by design. We depressives simply spirit ourselves away when we've dimmed so as not to stain those who live in the sun.")- I cut myself off from people, something I'm trying to get over now, but still struggle with.
All the while, I was continually devoted to trying to make a career in science. I am now in my 5th year as a postdoc and see slight positive signs that I'm moving forward, but I look at my friends (scientist and non-scientist alike) who have kids, houses, are married and established in lives and compared to me. I'm single, now 35 and would like to have a life outside the lab and a career that I can actually put down at the end of the day and not have to think about constantly. But then I feel stuck. I have a Ph.D., but still can't figure out what else I would do in the world, besides be an academic- and my depressive side says maybe I can't even be that or anything- but I feel like I need to test the waters some how, devote myself to something else, get off the crack that is science. It may be good for the human race (science, as a process unarguably has been a boon to us humans), but I reject the notion that it has to be done by people who don't have lives (Sorry Mr. Tesla, I know I'm not as smart as you were, but I don't feel that a relationship would be bad for my career). Even in an era when it is clear there are not full time academic jobs for every postdoc out there (academia is a minority employer of Ph.D.'s now), the culture is still very much 'if you leave, you have failed as a human being and are dead to us'. So if I left, it's hard to not feel like I've wasted my 20's and half of my 30's- it would be a blow to my ego, for sure. I wish it was a bit more positive than that, that anyone who is trained at a high level as a scientist is celebrated no matter where they end up. That it isn't insane to think that someone would make a decision for personal reasons rather than purely professional ones. The biggest problem of that mindset is that we're not trained to do broad careers, we're trained to do one specific thing and forget about the rest of the world. So in that sense, science is addictive, like crack. I love the discoveries, the process, the problem-solving, the mental effort it requires, but it feels very confining, not expansive- as science usually is- expanding knowledge built up by previous generations.
Part of my Ian3.0 project I started this month is to make a major life transition. Into a new job in a new place, having healthy social relationships where I see people regularly (with friends, hopefully finding a significant other as well- I want that). I am finally taking control of my own life in a way I haven't before. I still feel fairly stuck, but at least more light is shining through the cracks that were my shell against the outside world, and I'm trying to be more open- to new things, to novelty, to actually shining. I am working on the specific details, but hopefully, when I'm writing next year, I'll be in an even happier place than I am now. Believe it or not, this is more positive than I was even a year ago. I don't know if this is coherent, but there's a little more light I'm letting out of my shell.
"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."- Leonard Cohen
I have also been thinking a bit about how science is like crack, the addictive drug. Both ideas- of a crack letting light in or out to connect an individual to the world and the drug have been floating in my head lately.
With this blog, part of the idea was to let the light out, to be vulnerable and express what's going on inside. It is still terrifying to me to post sometimes- I worry that what I express will come back to bite me, but then I also know that it's hard to make progress from a standpoint of perfectionism.
So with that, I'm going to open up a bit about my addiction to science (I don't think I'm alone in this feeling, either) and how I think it may well be negatively impacting my life and what I am trying to do about it, finally, though I still feel stuck in some ways and am not sure how to get moving forward again.
Current scientists almost always fall in love with science when they're young. And in my generation, anyhow, I got convinced I had to be perfect in everything and never show that I was struggling in any way. That's when 'they' pounce (sometimes 'they' were very real, mostly, I think it was in my head). So perfectionist kid falls in love with science and what I picked up on in the culture of science is that if you are not 100% devoted to it, you're not a 'real scientist'- you don't care enough. I spent grad school being as devoted as I could to work, even when it was apparent that I was burning out and depression was setting in, I coped by exercising more regularly and seeing a therapist (This is an excellent piece on what it's like: "Most people don't see depression in others, and that's by design. We depressives simply spirit ourselves away when we've dimmed so as not to stain those who live in the sun.")- I cut myself off from people, something I'm trying to get over now, but still struggle with.
All the while, I was continually devoted to trying to make a career in science. I am now in my 5th year as a postdoc and see slight positive signs that I'm moving forward, but I look at my friends (scientist and non-scientist alike) who have kids, houses, are married and established in lives and compared to me. I'm single, now 35 and would like to have a life outside the lab and a career that I can actually put down at the end of the day and not have to think about constantly. But then I feel stuck. I have a Ph.D., but still can't figure out what else I would do in the world, besides be an academic- and my depressive side says maybe I can't even be that or anything- but I feel like I need to test the waters some how, devote myself to something else, get off the crack that is science. It may be good for the human race (science, as a process unarguably has been a boon to us humans), but I reject the notion that it has to be done by people who don't have lives (Sorry Mr. Tesla, I know I'm not as smart as you were, but I don't feel that a relationship would be bad for my career). Even in an era when it is clear there are not full time academic jobs for every postdoc out there (academia is a minority employer of Ph.D.'s now), the culture is still very much 'if you leave, you have failed as a human being and are dead to us'. So if I left, it's hard to not feel like I've wasted my 20's and half of my 30's- it would be a blow to my ego, for sure. I wish it was a bit more positive than that, that anyone who is trained at a high level as a scientist is celebrated no matter where they end up. That it isn't insane to think that someone would make a decision for personal reasons rather than purely professional ones. The biggest problem of that mindset is that we're not trained to do broad careers, we're trained to do one specific thing and forget about the rest of the world. So in that sense, science is addictive, like crack. I love the discoveries, the process, the problem-solving, the mental effort it requires, but it feels very confining, not expansive- as science usually is- expanding knowledge built up by previous generations.
Part of my Ian3.0 project I started this month is to make a major life transition. Into a new job in a new place, having healthy social relationships where I see people regularly (with friends, hopefully finding a significant other as well- I want that). I am finally taking control of my own life in a way I haven't before. I still feel fairly stuck, but at least more light is shining through the cracks that were my shell against the outside world, and I'm trying to be more open- to new things, to novelty, to actually shining. I am working on the specific details, but hopefully, when I'm writing next year, I'll be in an even happier place than I am now. Believe it or not, this is more positive than I was even a year ago. I don't know if this is coherent, but there's a little more light I'm letting out of my shell.
August 14, 2012
Academic anxiety.
Anxiety has been on my mind a lot this week. This essay appeared on Science's website last week reflecting on the state of mental health amongst the academic community. I read this anonymous blog post in the Chronicle of Higher Education; A common practice on their site. I listened to a segment on Science Friday about this book about one man's experience with anxiety and I read or listened to something about Impostor Syndrome and how it's prevalent amongst high achievers (I don't count myself as a high achiever- yet) and how it might be adaptive and a good thing in some ways.
And this week I've had a lot dumped on me that I wasn't expecting as well. I've got to present in lab meeting next week, the day before I head off for vacation and I have to finish, I have a paper to put together, my fellowship is officially ending and I need to get my final report into them and that makes me anxious because I feel I haven't done enough. I'm always nervous to go on vacation. I was worried on Monday that my car wouldn't pass inspection (it did!). I'm worried about finding the time to get my job search going when everything I read about carrying out a successful job search requires putting forth what seems to be Herculean efforts just for one application (I know, stop blogging...).
I know the solution is something along these lines of getting to work on something and just doing all the little things to achieve things. And I'm not as anxious as I used to be, though I still get paralyzed by it. I get paralyzed in place all too easily still. I'm trying to flip the switch to being excited and energized when I feel the anxiety coming on, but I'm not there yet. And my old friend depressive thinking also comes into this and still makes me think that anything I do is pointless. Catastrophic + depressive thinking is not a good recipe in my head. I can go to the gym to alleviate it a little bit, but anything I do is kind of a stop gap measure.
How does this relate to academia more broadly? I had the thought today in reading the anonymous essay- the author is writing about the start of the job search season and the feelings it provokes- that there is something odd about academia and anonymity that breeds anxiety. I read a lot about mental health issues- it's a subject of personal interest to me and in a lot of places the author is listed. But in both the Science and Chronicle pieces, the authors use pseudonyms which is common in academia whenever career/personal life issues are discussed. I'll say here it is the right of these authors to remain anonymous and I can understand why they would choose to do so, but the anonymity also sends the message that if you're you, you won't have a career, no one will listen to you and that it's not OK to be yourself.
I may be reading too much into this, but it does seem endemic in academia to keep things quiet and to suffer in silence all too often. I started this blog in part to voice my challenges (and hopefully some triumphs too!) since the culture of academia ironically is not as open and sharing as it might seem from the outside. It might well be true of ideas in science, but the people are often seen as secondary to the actual lab work. Am I hurting my career by being open about my thoughts/feelings/experiences? I hope not. But it makes me anxious that that's the case due to anonymous essays about the experiences of people in science. I realize there are plenty of non-anonymous stories too, but they always tend to be about the successful people, not those of us still struggling.
And this week I've had a lot dumped on me that I wasn't expecting as well. I've got to present in lab meeting next week, the day before I head off for vacation and I have to finish, I have a paper to put together, my fellowship is officially ending and I need to get my final report into them and that makes me anxious because I feel I haven't done enough. I'm always nervous to go on vacation. I was worried on Monday that my car wouldn't pass inspection (it did!). I'm worried about finding the time to get my job search going when everything I read about carrying out a successful job search requires putting forth what seems to be Herculean efforts just for one application (I know, stop blogging...).
I know the solution is something along these lines of getting to work on something and just doing all the little things to achieve things. And I'm not as anxious as I used to be, though I still get paralyzed by it. I get paralyzed in place all too easily still. I'm trying to flip the switch to being excited and energized when I feel the anxiety coming on, but I'm not there yet. And my old friend depressive thinking also comes into this and still makes me think that anything I do is pointless. Catastrophic + depressive thinking is not a good recipe in my head. I can go to the gym to alleviate it a little bit, but anything I do is kind of a stop gap measure.
How does this relate to academia more broadly? I had the thought today in reading the anonymous essay- the author is writing about the start of the job search season and the feelings it provokes- that there is something odd about academia and anonymity that breeds anxiety. I read a lot about mental health issues- it's a subject of personal interest to me and in a lot of places the author is listed. But in both the Science and Chronicle pieces, the authors use pseudonyms which is common in academia whenever career/personal life issues are discussed. I'll say here it is the right of these authors to remain anonymous and I can understand why they would choose to do so, but the anonymity also sends the message that if you're you, you won't have a career, no one will listen to you and that it's not OK to be yourself.
I may be reading too much into this, but it does seem endemic in academia to keep things quiet and to suffer in silence all too often. I started this blog in part to voice my challenges (and hopefully some triumphs too!) since the culture of academia ironically is not as open and sharing as it might seem from the outside. It might well be true of ideas in science, but the people are often seen as secondary to the actual lab work. Am I hurting my career by being open about my thoughts/feelings/experiences? I hope not. But it makes me anxious that that's the case due to anonymous essays about the experiences of people in science. I realize there are plenty of non-anonymous stories too, but they always tend to be about the successful people, not those of us still struggling.
August 7, 2012
Ian 2.9 → Ian 3.0.
I feel comfortable saying I'm going from version Ian 2.8 to Ian 2.9 today. And with Ian 2.9, I can work towards Ian 3.0 in earnest- while having fun along the way.
To start the transition, this sentence from Sarah Kathleen Peck's blog http://itstartswith.com/ is what I am going to keep in mind:
"The irony is that you’ll learn more from tripping and stumbling and iterating than by circling through your brain any longer. You’ve got to get out and do."
It's one of my current favorite blogs that takes into account both the positive and the negatives of life and not all one or the other, but has a positive tone which is exactly the head space I want to occupy. This op-ed in the New York Times is also in the same vein.
Ian 2.0 was about getting my own internal dialogue under control and getting to the point of being OK wanting things for myself. I feel that I've gotten there this last few months and can say that being clinically depressed is mostly behind me. I've embraced my introverted nature (extremely introverted), my geekiness, and my love of technology & science that I haven't had the easiest relationship with over the last few years. But I think it will be a part of my life no matter what the next step is for me. I love science and talking about it's discoveries and insights with others. I've had several experiences conveying information to people today- about science and it is something that gets endorphins in my brain to release.
To get to Ian 3.0, I think requires a big transition in life. A new career is top of the list. As a postdoc, I think the point is to find your place in the world- and I still haven't found mine yet. I still think a primarily undergraduate institution is where I would like to end up as a faculty member. That said, I am not opposed to ending up doing something else either. Ian 3.0 will have a career. I will do my job Hopefully I will be able to incorporate science into that somehow.
On a personal note, I turn 35 in a few weeks (as I think I noted in a previous post). In thinking about that fact, I do still want a personal life that I've put off for too long- possibly more than a career, though I think a career is necessary for me as well. A balance would be nice. Regardless, to take care of myself, I feel first, I need a job and then a life can flow from there. Spoken like a true postdoc I think.
To get to Ian 3.0, I know I'll need help along the way. Part of getting comfortable with myself and having a bit more belief in myself is that I am more willing to admit that I don't know everything (in fact , I probably I know very little) and am willing to ask for help when I need it as well as help people whenever I can.
My brain has played these 7 tricks on me for a long time now. With that and the rest of this post in mind, let the work towards the release of Ian 3.0 (coming sometime next year) begin!
To start the transition, this sentence from Sarah Kathleen Peck's blog http://itstartswith.com/ is what I am going to keep in mind:
"The irony is that you’ll learn more from tripping and stumbling and iterating than by circling through your brain any longer. You’ve got to get out and do."
It's one of my current favorite blogs that takes into account both the positive and the negatives of life and not all one or the other, but has a positive tone which is exactly the head space I want to occupy. This op-ed in the New York Times is also in the same vein.
Ian 2.0 was about getting my own internal dialogue under control and getting to the point of being OK wanting things for myself. I feel that I've gotten there this last few months and can say that being clinically depressed is mostly behind me. I've embraced my introverted nature (extremely introverted), my geekiness, and my love of technology & science that I haven't had the easiest relationship with over the last few years. But I think it will be a part of my life no matter what the next step is for me. I love science and talking about it's discoveries and insights with others. I've had several experiences conveying information to people today- about science and it is something that gets endorphins in my brain to release.
To get to Ian 3.0, I think requires a big transition in life. A new career is top of the list. As a postdoc, I think the point is to find your place in the world- and I still haven't found mine yet. I still think a primarily undergraduate institution is where I would like to end up as a faculty member. That said, I am not opposed to ending up doing something else either. Ian 3.0 will have a career. I will do my job Hopefully I will be able to incorporate science into that somehow.
On a personal note, I turn 35 in a few weeks (as I think I noted in a previous post). In thinking about that fact, I do still want a personal life that I've put off for too long- possibly more than a career, though I think a career is necessary for me as well. A balance would be nice. Regardless, to take care of myself, I feel first, I need a job and then a life can flow from there. Spoken like a true postdoc I think.
To get to Ian 3.0, I know I'll need help along the way. Part of getting comfortable with myself and having a bit more belief in myself is that I am more willing to admit that I don't know everything (in fact , I probably I know very little) and am willing to ask for help when I need it as well as help people whenever I can.
My brain has played these 7 tricks on me for a long time now. With that and the rest of this post in mind, let the work towards the release of Ian 3.0 (coming sometime next year) begin!
July 29, 2012
Idiocy.
I think I'm suffering from a post-conference hangover. I did go into work on both Thursday and Friday and didn't end up getting much accomplished and have not gotten much done this weekend, except some rest and a small amount of cleaning. I've been watching some of the 2012 Olympics. But I also feel like an idiot. Like I should be doing something more with my time. I feel stuck in a rut. I feel I need to explore more often than I do- ask questions, do more, start things, follow through...
I'm trying to blog more in hopes it will help me express myself and get things out of my head- though probably more annoying for the people I share this with; I'm still not convinced anyone cares what I think. Of course, I'm not forcing anyone to read what I imagine is mediocre writing. I started doing this to have a hobby, to document my road out of depression (I am perhaps catching glimpses of the edges of Mirkwood from a tree I climbed) as well as my (mainly frustrating) experiences as a postdoc in the life sciences. And my road to the next step in my career- which is still hard to figure out. I love science and teaching and still have no idea what else I would do with my life, but with the conference, maybe I've taken a few steps in the right direction.
So what makes me title this post idiocy? I need to write emails to people I met at the conference. I did it with a few of the people I know, but not to anyone new that I met. It's just an email, so why the delay? I don't know, I haven't taken the best care of myself this weekend- mostly through not eating enough, so that probably saps motivation a bit. But this has also been kind of a return to my old pattern of weekends- asocial, mostly on my own and having recurring negative thoughts about life and excessively ruminating about them. All signs that depression and anxiety are still within me. So I feel like an idiot for thinking I've made more progress than I in fact have. I feel like an idiot for not being able to just take action more quickly on so many things. I feel like an idiot for not starting this process sooner in my life. My brain feels slow. I also feel like an idiot this weekend for not being able to figure out how to have much of a personal life yet (I'll turn 35 in August...and be single for it, so frustrating).
I might be suffering from the post-conference and travel let down, which is common after a trip. I did explore using my Google calendar more- to concretize my goals (I created an Ian3.0 calendar to add goals onto so I can measure progress. I'm on Ian2.8 now. I still need to figure out when to set the release of Ian3.0 and what that would require, though I have some ideas. I think a year is a good time- perhaps on my birthday next year. But I am going to make a calendar of goals and see how well I do with them- and make it formal with alerts and everything. Thus far I've been a little informal about my goals for this year.
I'm trying to force optimism on myself through bombarding myself with positive messages from various sources like itstartswith and this podcast (though it's about sexuality, I find a lot of it applies to life generally too). So it's not all doom and gloom, but I feel overwhelmed and frozen, which seems idiotic. I need to start in and do things to get less overwhelmed and to warm up.
I'm trying to blog more in hopes it will help me express myself and get things out of my head- though probably more annoying for the people I share this with; I'm still not convinced anyone cares what I think. Of course, I'm not forcing anyone to read what I imagine is mediocre writing. I started doing this to have a hobby, to document my road out of depression (I am perhaps catching glimpses of the edges of Mirkwood from a tree I climbed) as well as my (mainly frustrating) experiences as a postdoc in the life sciences. And my road to the next step in my career- which is still hard to figure out. I love science and teaching and still have no idea what else I would do with my life, but with the conference, maybe I've taken a few steps in the right direction.
So what makes me title this post idiocy? I need to write emails to people I met at the conference. I did it with a few of the people I know, but not to anyone new that I met. It's just an email, so why the delay? I don't know, I haven't taken the best care of myself this weekend- mostly through not eating enough, so that probably saps motivation a bit. But this has also been kind of a return to my old pattern of weekends- asocial, mostly on my own and having recurring negative thoughts about life and excessively ruminating about them. All signs that depression and anxiety are still within me. So I feel like an idiot for thinking I've made more progress than I in fact have. I feel like an idiot for not being able to just take action more quickly on so many things. I feel like an idiot for not starting this process sooner in my life. My brain feels slow. I also feel like an idiot this weekend for not being able to figure out how to have much of a personal life yet (I'll turn 35 in August...and be single for it, so frustrating).
I might be suffering from the post-conference and travel let down, which is common after a trip. I did explore using my Google calendar more- to concretize my goals (I created an Ian3.0 calendar to add goals onto so I can measure progress. I'm on Ian2.8 now. I still need to figure out when to set the release of Ian3.0 and what that would require, though I have some ideas. I think a year is a good time- perhaps on my birthday next year. But I am going to make a calendar of goals and see how well I do with them- and make it formal with alerts and everything. Thus far I've been a little informal about my goals for this year.
I'm trying to force optimism on myself through bombarding myself with positive messages from various sources like itstartswith and this podcast (though it's about sexuality, I find a lot of it applies to life generally too). So it's not all doom and gloom, but I feel overwhelmed and frozen, which seems idiotic. I need to start in and do things to get less overwhelmed and to warm up.
July 26, 2012
Conference!
I attended the annual meeting of the American Society of Plant Biologists and am still recovering from the craziness of it all.
Scientifically, the meeting didn't have a ton relevant to what I do, but I did have a chance to put Ian2.8 through paces and I think performed pretty well. I networked- for real! I have the business cards of people I met to prove it! I'll follow up with them tomorrow. For the present, I'm just trying to get my body rested up and back to life in the Upper Valley.
I am grateful that I got to go to this conference and see old friends from Washington University and even met some brand new people. The remarkable thing is that I opened many conversations myself at random times- riding down in the elevator of the hotel, on the crowded escalator at the conference center, etc. I even got to talk in person with someone I met through Twitter. That is very different for me and reflects my new attitude towards the world this year. I'm not sure if any of this will lead me to the next career stage in my life, but it was good to see that I can connect at least and yet still be my very introverted self. I had plenty of little quiet moments. And only an afternoon of total panic, that I was able to get over relatively quickly.
This is where having my iPhone really came in handy- I tweeted the entire meeting and was able to escape into the virtual world if I needed down time from the meeting. And I found that sitting in the minisymposia (or the major symposia) was good down time, though still tiring. It is amazing how much scientists still haven't solved the problem of presenting large and complex data sets- a lot of people were presenting data like that and it was really hard to absorb as an audience member.
So to sum up, I had a good time in Austin, TX and was impressed by a lot of the people and work going on in plant science. I took a good step towards finding what's next for me and actually took away the message that people are happy to help one another (I know I try to help people when I can). I can also tell my new positive attitude helped me a lot. I don't know that I'm the best tactician or even networker, and I still have trouble opening up to some extent, but this was a good meeting for me- more progress to come, I'm sure as I take the next bold step of following up with many of the people I met at Plant Biology 2012.
Scientifically, the meeting didn't have a ton relevant to what I do, but I did have a chance to put Ian2.8 through paces and I think performed pretty well. I networked- for real! I have the business cards of people I met to prove it! I'll follow up with them tomorrow. For the present, I'm just trying to get my body rested up and back to life in the Upper Valley.
I am grateful that I got to go to this conference and see old friends from Washington University and even met some brand new people. The remarkable thing is that I opened many conversations myself at random times- riding down in the elevator of the hotel, on the crowded escalator at the conference center, etc. I even got to talk in person with someone I met through Twitter. That is very different for me and reflects my new attitude towards the world this year. I'm not sure if any of this will lead me to the next career stage in my life, but it was good to see that I can connect at least and yet still be my very introverted self. I had plenty of little quiet moments. And only an afternoon of total panic, that I was able to get over relatively quickly.
This is where having my iPhone really came in handy- I tweeted the entire meeting and was able to escape into the virtual world if I needed down time from the meeting. And I found that sitting in the minisymposia (or the major symposia) was good down time, though still tiring. It is amazing how much scientists still haven't solved the problem of presenting large and complex data sets- a lot of people were presenting data like that and it was really hard to absorb as an audience member.
So to sum up, I had a good time in Austin, TX and was impressed by a lot of the people and work going on in plant science. I took a good step towards finding what's next for me and actually took away the message that people are happy to help one another (I know I try to help people when I can). I can also tell my new positive attitude helped me a lot. I don't know that I'm the best tactician or even networker, and I still have trouble opening up to some extent, but this was a good meeting for me- more progress to come, I'm sure as I take the next bold step of following up with many of the people I met at Plant Biology 2012.
July 8, 2012
De-motivated.
This column by Brian Vastag in the Washington Post yesterday is probably going to be shared amongst my postdoc and grad student friends. And as I just saw in his Twitter stream, he says there are ~2700 comments on his story about how there is actually not a need for new scientists and that there are no jobs for them (especially academic jobs). I almost completely agree with his take on things. It is depressing out there for a young life scientist or chemist. He says physicists and engineers (especially tech sector engineers) seem to be doing well in finding jobs outside academia.
I am a life scientist and a postdoc and it's frustrating. And depressing. And hard to stay positive in the face of no good news on the horizon. And something I've been working a decade for seems to be gone: and it's an important thing- a career. I don't mind working hard, but I would like to know I'm working to grow and working for something greater. I do like educating and figuring things out in the lab to potentially leave the world a better place, but it would be nice to know that I spent all my time to help myself too. I don't have the solution. It's not easy to solve. Just adding funding won't help. Cross-training might be good for Ph.D.'s currently in the system, but there might not be a job for them in a STEM field when they graduate. I don't think that current PIs are going to give up there armies of grad students and postdocs because that means they'll get less research done- and getting less done is not OK - taking a weekend off is kind of anathema to academic researchers. And unfortunately, I love science. I don't know what else is in my blood to do. So having this swept out from under me seems pretty harsh. Will I adapt? Probably. But I am very unsure of how to build something new from where I am. I am a trained researcher...it's hard to broaden that out to something else, especially in an economy where getting hired seems dependent on being the round peg for the exact round hole the company needs. There is always the potential that money will come back for scientists as apparently many corporations are recording record profits....maybe they'll invest some of it in research and development (I'm skeptical that that will happen though). I think all of this has real negative consequences in terms of the quality of research produced (experiments and publications get rushed out, because they are what matters) as well as affecting the morale of any young scientist which will lower their productivity.
Now to the part of Vastag's column I don't quite agree with. He paints it as a negative that President Obama has hosted a science fair at the While House and is generally encouraging of kids exploring science. I think educating kids in science by having them be active participants is great. The country may not need more scientists, but it certainly needs more scientifically literate people in the populace- and education is a key part of that. Scientific thinking is useful in all sorts of career fields and who knows, maybe some of those scientifically engaged kids will be more supportive of science initiatives as adults in their non- STEM careers. Science is a democratizing enterprise. It's a good thing to have kids exploring their world and nature. I still get goose bumps seeing or thinking about many images NASA produces. The 'Pale Blue Dot' photo especially. And now Voyagers 1 and 2 are leaving the Solar system! That's incredible. Science has expanded the universe and the economy in a huge way. It sparks imagination and creativity in minds. So is a good thing.
I'm going to try and end on a positive note. A few years ago, the fact that my career seemed to be dead on arrival really stopped me in my tracks. I was depressed to the point of paralysis. What was the point? Why bother working hard if there's nothing at the end of it? Well, my mind is different now. Through several scientific breakthroughs in how the mind works and how it learns, I have become much more of a learned optimist in many aspects of my life. I am choosing to think that I can figure out a career- even if it isn't directly in research science, which I am a bit disillusioned with still. I am choosing to think that the world economy is 'correcting' itself and will boom again. Science is self-correcting and self-reflective and things will work out in the long run. Research will always be done. It's essential to move us into a better and more sustainable world as well as simply to appreciate the wonders of the universe- the very big and very small and everything in between. If I were religious, I 'd say that science expands God's creation beyond what's in The Bible or other religious texts and that's pretty amazing. So I am not as de-motivated as I was, but am taking some active steps to figure out where to go and what to do with my life.
I am a life scientist and a postdoc and it's frustrating. And depressing. And hard to stay positive in the face of no good news on the horizon. And something I've been working a decade for seems to be gone: and it's an important thing- a career. I don't mind working hard, but I would like to know I'm working to grow and working for something greater. I do like educating and figuring things out in the lab to potentially leave the world a better place, but it would be nice to know that I spent all my time to help myself too. I don't have the solution. It's not easy to solve. Just adding funding won't help. Cross-training might be good for Ph.D.'s currently in the system, but there might not be a job for them in a STEM field when they graduate. I don't think that current PIs are going to give up there armies of grad students and postdocs because that means they'll get less research done- and getting less done is not OK - taking a weekend off is kind of anathema to academic researchers. And unfortunately, I love science. I don't know what else is in my blood to do. So having this swept out from under me seems pretty harsh. Will I adapt? Probably. But I am very unsure of how to build something new from where I am. I am a trained researcher...it's hard to broaden that out to something else, especially in an economy where getting hired seems dependent on being the round peg for the exact round hole the company needs. There is always the potential that money will come back for scientists as apparently many corporations are recording record profits....maybe they'll invest some of it in research and development (I'm skeptical that that will happen though). I think all of this has real negative consequences in terms of the quality of research produced (experiments and publications get rushed out, because they are what matters) as well as affecting the morale of any young scientist which will lower their productivity.
Now to the part of Vastag's column I don't quite agree with. He paints it as a negative that President Obama has hosted a science fair at the While House and is generally encouraging of kids exploring science. I think educating kids in science by having them be active participants is great. The country may not need more scientists, but it certainly needs more scientifically literate people in the populace- and education is a key part of that. Scientific thinking is useful in all sorts of career fields and who knows, maybe some of those scientifically engaged kids will be more supportive of science initiatives as adults in their non- STEM careers. Science is a democratizing enterprise. It's a good thing to have kids exploring their world and nature. I still get goose bumps seeing or thinking about many images NASA produces. The 'Pale Blue Dot' photo especially. And now Voyagers 1 and 2 are leaving the Solar system! That's incredible. Science has expanded the universe and the economy in a huge way. It sparks imagination and creativity in minds. So is a good thing.
I'm going to try and end on a positive note. A few years ago, the fact that my career seemed to be dead on arrival really stopped me in my tracks. I was depressed to the point of paralysis. What was the point? Why bother working hard if there's nothing at the end of it? Well, my mind is different now. Through several scientific breakthroughs in how the mind works and how it learns, I have become much more of a learned optimist in many aspects of my life. I am choosing to think that I can figure out a career- even if it isn't directly in research science, which I am a bit disillusioned with still. I am choosing to think that the world economy is 'correcting' itself and will boom again. Science is self-correcting and self-reflective and things will work out in the long run. Research will always be done. It's essential to move us into a better and more sustainable world as well as simply to appreciate the wonders of the universe- the very big and very small and everything in between. If I were religious, I 'd say that science expands God's creation beyond what's in The Bible or other religious texts and that's pretty amazing. So I am not as de-motivated as I was, but am taking some active steps to figure out where to go and what to do with my life.
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