Doing.

I've been trying to turn myself into a much more active participant in life this year. I've hit a bit of a snag this month. I gave up on my don't break the chain method of productivity for the first two weeks of May and have rebooted it this last week. I bought a white board calendar where I can put bigger red X's for each day and I'm only doing one project- writing a manuscript and all that entails. I may add on when I feel like I've got a good handle on this one. I'm also finally using a task manager on my phone called HQ to keep a digital list of my to-dos. I'm also going to attempt to institute a weekly review/set up each Monday morning to keep myself organized. 

Logistics are great, but I still need motivation as well. To that end, I have been bombarding myself with as many positive messages as possible. And it does help. A recent favorite is itstartswith, written by Sarah Peck, a creative person who lives in San Fransisco. 

I have been doing my job here more, but haven't really looked for or applied to any jobs in the last two months or so. It's just a feeling like there's no point to it until I can feel accomplished here and actually learn a few more things. 

So as I posted before, I do feel back in several ways. Just expressing myself in this blog helps. I also still feel stuck, like I'm not enough, and can't possibly make it in the 'real world'. I am going to attend two conferences later this year, so hopefully I won't turn into my shy self there and actually get to have some really positive interactions. 

Doing isn't easy for me. Perhaps it's because I haven't hit upon the parts of my life I truly enjoy participating in. A lot of what I do doesn't feel like it's for me, I'm doing it for someone else. I'm happy to help, but I need to nurture things I want to do too. Sometimes I feel like I barely know what it is I like doing or what I'm truly passionate about. Science, sure, but I still feel like I haven't hit upon where I fit in the scientific community. 

At least by doing, I am getting started on things I was afraid or just too depressed to get started on. May it continue.

Evaluation.

This last few weeks, I've had a bit of a loss of motivation and need to reboot my 'don't break the chain' productivity method, feel more motivated to dive into work and feel less deprived of real human contact, something I have been feeling deprived of lately; I'm relatively certain I have not hugged anyone in 2012 (nor someone me). 

I still haven't planned a vacation for the summer or a birthday plan. I haven't gotten a handle on my budget, though I do seem to be saving money at a slow rate. I am  getting my research together for a publication, though I still think I have a ways to go on that and my motivation to write has flagged a bit. I still haven't talked on the phone very much or made much progress in figuring out a career path. In some ways, I am still not taking the best care of myself. I'm obviously still single- though I'm trying really hard to not be sensitive about it, not easy for me to do as I'm pretty convinced the best thing that could happen for me is to meet a girl I connect with. 

I read this HBR blog post and it hit the nail on the head for what I have been dealing with and the transition I am trying to achieve to healthier, more positive and more productive thinking. I feel part way there, though I still feel as though I am stuck in place and that things won't change (though they do seem to change for the better for most everyone I know- maybe that will be true of me too). 

Maybe using this blog to keep myself more accountable will help; I can not just dump out my thoughts, but also use it as a record keeping and research device. I think I've laid out some of the goals I am trying to work on more here, so hopefully this will be a useful exercise now that I'm almost at 40 posts. 

What am I doing?

I'm in bed, and making t first post to my blog from my phone. It'll be short.my thought of the evening and the day: i am not doing what I am supposed to be doing in life. There's a disconnect there that I'm trying to resolve. I feel closer, but still need to explore more. And of course, I feel like exploring now in my mid-thirties is late to be doing that; most people seem to do this in college an their 20's.

I am also piecing together something useful I might do with this blog...stay tuned (I fully realize this is mostly a note to self).