Doing.

I've been trying to turn myself into a much more active participant in life this year. I've hit a bit of a snag this month. I gave up on my don't break the chain method of productivity for the first two weeks of May and have rebooted it this last week. I bought a white board calendar where I can put bigger red X's for each day and I'm only doing one project- writing a manuscript and all that entails. I may add on when I feel like I've got a good handle on this one. I'm also finally using a task manager on my phone called HQ to keep a digital list of my to-dos. I'm also going to attempt to institute a weekly review/set up each Monday morning to keep myself organized. 

Logistics are great, but I still need motivation as well. To that end, I have been bombarding myself with as many positive messages as possible. And it does help. A recent favorite is itstartswith, written by Sarah Peck, a creative person who lives in San Fransisco. 

I have been doing my job here more, but haven't really looked for or applied to any jobs in the last two months or so. It's just a feeling like there's no point to it until I can feel accomplished here and actually learn a few more things. 

So as I posted before, I do feel back in several ways. Just expressing myself in this blog helps. I also still feel stuck, like I'm not enough, and can't possibly make it in the 'real world'. I am going to attend two conferences later this year, so hopefully I won't turn into my shy self there and actually get to have some really positive interactions. 

Doing isn't easy for me. Perhaps it's because I haven't hit upon the parts of my life I truly enjoy participating in. A lot of what I do doesn't feel like it's for me, I'm doing it for someone else. I'm happy to help, but I need to nurture things I want to do too. Sometimes I feel like I barely know what it is I like doing or what I'm truly passionate about. Science, sure, but I still feel like I haven't hit upon where I fit in the scientific community. 

At least by doing, I am getting started on things I was afraid or just too depressed to get started on. May it continue.