Self talk.

PAST.

I'm no good. I'm embarrassed to even be walking the Earth. I want to get run over by a bus. I want to crawl under a rock and stay there. I don't want to talk to anyone. Or make eye contact. Or talk to them. Or declare my presence.  I am an impostor. Anxiety boils over in my head. I am extremely perfectionist. I am neurotic. 

Why bother investing in myself? Nothing will work out for me no matter what I do. I question and ruminate on every decision I make no matter how insignificant. 

I don't love myself. Rationally, I know there are people who care about me, but I don't  know why. I know I'm better off than many, but still feel awful about it. Truly, the world would be better off without me. I don't matter. Or count. I'm useless. 

Things can't possibly change. I'm too...old, set in my ways, don't know what I'm doing, uncertain, indecisive, asocial...I am wrong. A mistake.

PRESENT.

I am doing more. I am in the arena a little more often. I have accepted my my introverted nature and understand more that it's not a flaw, just a part of who I am. I am inching my way back up to feeling like it's OK for me to live life. Doing something. Or at least trying to. I still don't have a good direction to go in. I am trying to prevent career burnout by doing things for myself that are novel and new. And enjoyable. I am exploring slightly more. And through this blog, commenting on things through Twitter (my tweets made it onto the #Sciquester home page the AAAS had!), emailing people and asking for the things I need more often. I try to do something that will make me uncomfortable every day...I even succeed sometimes.

I am much more open to feedback. A friend of mine- @MalaChakraborti- who has been a huge support to me when I was in my deepest depression wrote this to me recently: 

"You have a pretty strong tendency to qualify your sentiments, and sometimes you go pretty far at the self deprecation part. The reason I'm pointing it out is because I think it no longer really represents your true opinion of yourself in that situation, but has become a habit from a time when the sentiment was stronger."

I have noticed this myself. When I write, or speak to people, I still come from a perspective that I don't have a clue and am not confident. While it's true that I don't feel I have a ton of confidence, I do try to have a more confident voice. I go back and edit things I write when I see equivocations in my writing whenever I see them. I'm sure I do a lot of that here in this blog (I'm doing it right now...), but this is meant to be fairly quick and informal writing. 

I am taking enjoyment in things a bit more. However, I am not engaged in my work. The idea of doing something else is still strong in my head (this economy scares me still- no more middle class apparently...). I am slowly being swallowed and stifled by my scientific career and feel I need something else to lead a meaningful life (having a significant other is a long standing goal of mine still). I just feel largely lifeless when I'm working. I like science, but the career prospects to stay in it are absolutely dismal. It keeps me up at night sometimes.

I am having more compassion for myself as well. Not that I feel like everything I'm doing is OK, but being kind to myself helps me recover from set backs.

Things I have done so far that make me uncomfortable are actually looking more into my finances, setting up a newish home network, learning and trying new things in the lab, talking more (even though my voice sounds weird when I am more extroverted...and feels like someone else talking entirely), I am using more tools to help organize myself- like doing a weekly review, using Evernote (awesome!), and Unclutter to keep my desktop clear.

I am continuing to learn about myself- reading about High sensitivity (pretty sure that fits me well) and learning more about will power/habit formation and trying to learn good ones. And continue to be more mindful. 

FUTURE.

I want to be bolder. Take more chances. Make more mistakes- and hopefully learn more from trying rather than reading theoretically about how something works. Not over thinking, which is still very much a habit of mine. I would love to just decide something and do it. Right then. And not be so afraid to spend money on things I want because I fear buying stupid things. And of course, I hope a major life change comes soon and I can truly announce the release of Ian 3.0.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Two words I am trying to say a lot now. To express gratitude as much as possible. 

This appeared in the NYT ecosystem this week. 

I have been reflecting on gratitude lately and how much I try to express it- even for small things that happen in my day. The customer service rep that I don't have to be nice to- they probably don't expect to be thanked for their help (or even their lack thereof).  

This has gotten me to think about how I communicate with colleagues and other scientists and my own digital habits. I'm not sure I communicate that well with anyone, let alone colleagues. I'm the strong silent type (also introverted). 

Introversion is a trait a lot of scientists share, but science also rewards extroverted tendencies a lot more. I am using my more introverted self to write more and speak up when I can, but I still prefer to be quiet and by myself a lot of the time.

I don't tend to talk on the phone. I've started tweeting a lot- I like twitter. I write. I don't tend to leave voicemails. My big fear is actually getting through to someone on the phone and having to talk to them. Of course, if it's a good friend, I'm happy to talk. But strangers is hard. For job interviews, etc. something I ought to get over, ASAP. Exposure therapy perhaps.

I was out at the pub last night after doing a trial run of this weekend's Shamrock Shuffle  with the running club I'm a part of last night. I talked a little bit on the run and a bit after at the pub with a beer. But I had to force myself to smile and when I did, I relaxed and had an OK time, even though I still felt out of place and awkward.

I'm not going to stop what I'm doing as far as my nettiquette. I'd like to talk on the phone more, but it's a thing I am not really able to conquer easily in my head. I don't know why, but I'd better get over it.

Expressing gratitude is one of the things that has helped get me out of major depression. i'd hate to stop now.

High School Self.

High School Self

I was made aware of this article on why we never leave high school and why that's actually not good news for many of us. It mentions one of my current favorite books 'Daring Greatly' and Dr. Brown's research. 

That thought terrifies me. I think that it might well be true. If I think back to my high school self, it is much like I am now. If High School was where I was supposed to learn how to interact with people, I dont' think I did very well. It's something I struggle with daily. I did my best to stay invisible- for fear (somewhat legitimate) that being noticed would lead to bad things- something I still tend to think too often. This blog is supposed to help with that. Stick my neck out...

I suppose there is one good thing: I survived. 

Which brings me to this...

Buffy

I have been watching 'Buffy, The Vampire Slayer' lately, which got me thinking about high school even more. For those who aren't familiar, Joss Whedon took the concept of the motion picture and turned it into a great television series. It supposes a world where magic, vampires and demons invade Sunnydale, CA and they often serve as metaphors for surviving high school. The show is funny, smart, awesome and a lot of fun. Most of the characters are well developed too. And of course, it takes me back to the 90's...when I was youngish.

In a quite literal way, the characters (especially Buffy) slays demons. Even the demons have demons at times. 

The first few seasons deal with the high school years. There's a plot where a girl literally becomes invisible- a lot like I felt. It is a show very good at portraying all kinds of outsiders- as well as the impostor syndrome, depression, and anxiety...and of course fighting through all of these things. 

Breaking Bio

Because of Twitter, I discovered The Breaking Bio Podcast, and apparently video blog. Episode 13 is with @JacquelynGill, a paleoecologist and blogger and short term postdoc who has a faculty position nearly straight away- the hosts of the podcast are all youngish postdocs...compared to me who feels like an ancient in postdoc years. It was a good discussion a large group of internationally located people had about her research, impostor syndrome (which clearly many of the hosts have dealt with and at least gotten past to some extent), and women in science- and how they might be more prone to feeling like impostors. While I can't speak to that part, I know that I have never really felt comfortable in academia. I'm getting slightly more comfortable, but don't feel that connected- in any aspect of my life. 

One of the things they talked about was the fact that being desperate in any avenue of life won't help you get anything. It's an odd thing...the more relaxed you can be, and yet engaged and caring at the same time, the more successful you'll be in dating or in job interviewing. I know I've been way too high strung for way too long; I've been trying to be more relaxed and am, but of course, it doesn't seem like it's enough. 

I'm introverted, high anxiety and perfectionist. And feel rather desperate too often...recipe for success, it's not. To be clear, that first trait doesn't make me less qualified, just viewed as less desirable in the United States at least...where the focus is on interacting with as many people as possible. 

Forward

I'm trying to stay positive even though that's difficult..it's not exactly like a world ending apocalypse on 'Buffy', but feels that way a little bit. I'm currently not all that successful professionally or personally. I'd like that to change of course, but my own brain seems to have some very strong walls against that notion. 

I can feel cracks forming in my walls, but they certainly aren't anywhere close to structural failure. 

And with that, I am going to bed.