Self talk.

PAST.

I'm no good. I'm embarrassed to even be walking the Earth. I want to get run over by a bus. I want to crawl under a rock and stay there. I don't want to talk to anyone. Or make eye contact. Or talk to them. Or declare my presence.  I am an impostor. Anxiety boils over in my head. I am extremely perfectionist. I am neurotic. 

Why bother investing in myself? Nothing will work out for me no matter what I do. I question and ruminate on every decision I make no matter how insignificant. 

I don't love myself. Rationally, I know there are people who care about me, but I don't  know why. I know I'm better off than many, but still feel awful about it. Truly, the world would be better off without me. I don't matter. Or count. I'm useless. 

Things can't possibly change. I'm too...old, set in my ways, don't know what I'm doing, uncertain, indecisive, asocial...I am wrong. A mistake.

PRESENT.

I am doing more. I am in the arena a little more often. I have accepted my my introverted nature and understand more that it's not a flaw, just a part of who I am. I am inching my way back up to feeling like it's OK for me to live life. Doing something. Or at least trying to. I still don't have a good direction to go in. I am trying to prevent career burnout by doing things for myself that are novel and new. And enjoyable. I am exploring slightly more. And through this blog, commenting on things through Twitter (my tweets made it onto the #Sciquester home page the AAAS had!), emailing people and asking for the things I need more often. I try to do something that will make me uncomfortable every day...I even succeed sometimes.

I am much more open to feedback. A friend of mine- @MalaChakraborti- who has been a huge support to me when I was in my deepest depression wrote this to me recently: 

"You have a pretty strong tendency to qualify your sentiments, and sometimes you go pretty far at the self deprecation part. The reason I'm pointing it out is because I think it no longer really represents your true opinion of yourself in that situation, but has become a habit from a time when the sentiment was stronger."

I have noticed this myself. When I write, or speak to people, I still come from a perspective that I don't have a clue and am not confident. While it's true that I don't feel I have a ton of confidence, I do try to have a more confident voice. I go back and edit things I write when I see equivocations in my writing whenever I see them. I'm sure I do a lot of that here in this blog (I'm doing it right now...), but this is meant to be fairly quick and informal writing. 

I am taking enjoyment in things a bit more. However, I am not engaged in my work. The idea of doing something else is still strong in my head (this economy scares me still- no more middle class apparently...). I am slowly being swallowed and stifled by my scientific career and feel I need something else to lead a meaningful life (having a significant other is a long standing goal of mine still). I just feel largely lifeless when I'm working. I like science, but the career prospects to stay in it are absolutely dismal. It keeps me up at night sometimes.

I am having more compassion for myself as well. Not that I feel like everything I'm doing is OK, but being kind to myself helps me recover from set backs.

Things I have done so far that make me uncomfortable are actually looking more into my finances, setting up a newish home network, learning and trying new things in the lab, talking more (even though my voice sounds weird when I am more extroverted...and feels like someone else talking entirely), I am using more tools to help organize myself- like doing a weekly review, using Evernote (awesome!), and Unclutter to keep my desktop clear.

I am continuing to learn about myself- reading about High sensitivity (pretty sure that fits me well) and learning more about will power/habit formation and trying to learn good ones. And continue to be more mindful. 

FUTURE.

I want to be bolder. Take more chances. Make more mistakes- and hopefully learn more from trying rather than reading theoretically about how something works. Not over thinking, which is still very much a habit of mine. I would love to just decide something and do it. Right then. And not be so afraid to spend money on things I want because I fear buying stupid things. And of course, I hope a major life change comes soon and I can truly announce the release of Ian 3.0.

High School Self.

High School Self

I was made aware of this article on why we never leave high school and why that's actually not good news for many of us. It mentions one of my current favorite books 'Daring Greatly' and Dr. Brown's research. 

That thought terrifies me. I think that it might well be true. If I think back to my high school self, it is much like I am now. If High School was where I was supposed to learn how to interact with people, I dont' think I did very well. It's something I struggle with daily. I did my best to stay invisible- for fear (somewhat legitimate) that being noticed would lead to bad things- something I still tend to think too often. This blog is supposed to help with that. Stick my neck out...

I suppose there is one good thing: I survived. 

Which brings me to this...

Buffy

I have been watching 'Buffy, The Vampire Slayer' lately, which got me thinking about high school even more. For those who aren't familiar, Joss Whedon took the concept of the motion picture and turned it into a great television series. It supposes a world where magic, vampires and demons invade Sunnydale, CA and they often serve as metaphors for surviving high school. The show is funny, smart, awesome and a lot of fun. Most of the characters are well developed too. And of course, it takes me back to the 90's...when I was youngish.

In a quite literal way, the characters (especially Buffy) slays demons. Even the demons have demons at times. 

The first few seasons deal with the high school years. There's a plot where a girl literally becomes invisible- a lot like I felt. It is a show very good at portraying all kinds of outsiders- as well as the impostor syndrome, depression, and anxiety...and of course fighting through all of these things. 

Breaking Bio

Because of Twitter, I discovered The Breaking Bio Podcast, and apparently video blog. Episode 13 is with @JacquelynGill, a paleoecologist and blogger and short term postdoc who has a faculty position nearly straight away- the hosts of the podcast are all youngish postdocs...compared to me who feels like an ancient in postdoc years. It was a good discussion a large group of internationally located people had about her research, impostor syndrome (which clearly many of the hosts have dealt with and at least gotten past to some extent), and women in science- and how they might be more prone to feeling like impostors. While I can't speak to that part, I know that I have never really felt comfortable in academia. I'm getting slightly more comfortable, but don't feel that connected- in any aspect of my life. 

One of the things they talked about was the fact that being desperate in any avenue of life won't help you get anything. It's an odd thing...the more relaxed you can be, and yet engaged and caring at the same time, the more successful you'll be in dating or in job interviewing. I know I've been way too high strung for way too long; I've been trying to be more relaxed and am, but of course, it doesn't seem like it's enough. 

I'm introverted, high anxiety and perfectionist. And feel rather desperate too often...recipe for success, it's not. To be clear, that first trait doesn't make me less qualified, just viewed as less desirable in the United States at least...where the focus is on interacting with as many people as possible. 

Forward

I'm trying to stay positive even though that's difficult..it's not exactly like a world ending apocalypse on 'Buffy', but feels that way a little bit. I'm currently not all that successful professionally or personally. I'd like that to change of course, but my own brain seems to have some very strong walls against that notion. 

I can feel cracks forming in my walls, but they certainly aren't anywhere close to structural failure. 

And with that, I am going to bed. 

Drive.

Motivation and drive to get things done has been on my mind lately. As well as the things that still get in my way. Several things I have run across have spoken to this lately:

• Biochem Belle (@BiochemBelle) had this  fantastic post about creating ideas, silencing your inner critic for a time, giving yourself space to generate ideas before nixing things in the bud outright (a tendency I certainly have).
• I also recently subscribed to Annie Murphy Paul's 'Brilliant Blog' and her post about a sense of community being important for learning.
• Kerry Ann Roquemore's series on academic perfectionism. I mentioned this series before even though I'd only read the first of the posts. I read the rest and it speaks to my struggles with perfectionism and how I've at least started to take some positive steps towards addressing it.
• I also just watched 'I'm Fine, Thanks', a documentary I was introduced to via itstartswith.com, @sarahkpeck's blog about getting things done and living life well. I had tears in my eyes in recognition during the whole thing. 

All four of these things really resonated with me strongly. Here's why:

• Perfectionism also takes on the guise of my inner critic that shoots down dieas before they even fully form and have time to breathe. Or before I even try.
• Perfectionism is isolating. One thing I've been taught again and again is that learning happens best with other people. For feedback, for support, for new ideas and for getting used to a new environment. Perfectionism keeps you on the sidelines. "It's not the critic who counts...." comes to mind. Perfectionism keeps you out of the arena.
• One things I've lacked as a postdoc is drive. Perfectionism is truly devastating. It's one reason for my disconnection. It's also the reason I procrastinate on things; if they're not going to be perfect, why start? It really is a self-defeating way of thinking. My tendency is to avoid people as an introvert, but they are essential to an effective learning environment.
• When I watched 'I'm Fine, Thanks', it has made me see that I have been defined by a vision that has been defined by others. Namely, grad school, postdoc, then faculty position, then tenure, etc. Oh and a significant other, possibly a family along the way. The straight line to success that doesn't really exist. I feel stuck & disconnected in my current position. I don't have a good history with relationships. And I don't quite have a good idea of what my vision is. I'm starting to question and push that direction, but my feeling right now is that I'm not sure bench research is what I want to be doing forever. The director of the movie decided to make his dream of making a film come true; I like asking and finding answers to questions, but my current setting is not conducive to that.

With this blog, I'm trying to address perfectionism by just writing it pretty loosely and not worrying too much about 'tight' writing. And then putting it out into the world and realizing that it's not fatal. I do strive to be good enough. And coherent. And sometimes clever. 

Perfectionism is deadly. Don't participate. Get past it. Address the underlying insecurity that drives it. Academics do seem very prone to perfectionism. It will lead into depression and other bad places. If you're a perfectionist, join me on the road to recovery. 

Ask.

This is my list of words that I'll be returning to again and again in 2013:

Ask.

I've heard this idea from a number of places. Have a word you can return to to check in with and make sure you're actually going after your goals for the year. 

Ask is my word because asking is how I can reconnect with the world. What questions do I need to ask?

• How do I_____?
• Would you like to ____ with me ('go out', e.g.)?
• Can you teach me________?
• I am applying for _________.
• Where can I find _________?
• Can I help you___________?
• Have you read__________?
• Did I do this the best way I could have?
• Do you think you can give me some feedback?
• Will you publish my paper?
• I'm curious about________. 
• Do I have to be a postdoc forever?
• Have I formed better habits around_____?
• I would like __________.

I don't ask things of people or myself nearly enough. I settle for the status quo. I of course will ask questions in the lab and hopefully ask good ones. For too long, I've just not asked due in large part to a fear of vulnerability. I learned to hide behind 10 layers of brick wall in my mind and rarely let anyone in...not even me at times. What do I want? I've almost never had a good answer for this question. 

You may have noticed I have some other words below 'Ask'. These are other words to focus on this year. Finish, doing, deciding, writing and it will be good enough. Not perfect. I made this image the lock screen on my phone and I put it into Evernote as a note so hopefully I'll look at this often and be reminded. Asking terrifies me a lot of the time. I'm that person who won't even bring up bad service at a restaurant to the server; or often ask why something is one way vs. another. 

So my main word for this year is to ask. Of others. Of myself. Of the internet. 

Do you have a word or words for 2013?

Clawing.

I have a limited amount of energy. 

A lot of my effort this year has been in trying to find things that energize me more. Finding what motivates me to keep going. Finding what makes me tick. I've found some successes this year:

• I have hung this on my wall to remind me to appreciate life and to keep creativity, passion and ideas in mind as I tend to go on autopilot a lot.
  
• I've become an avid reader of Lifehacker, though I may have overdosed on it a bit. A lot of the posts there really have helped me form some new productivity (learning keyboard shortcuts for many things! So cool!) habits as well as new ways of thinking.
   
• I've read a lot more books recreationally than I have in a long time as well. Most influential has been Quiet by Susan Cain. I have been reading more about and exploring introversion a lot more this year and finding ways in which I can embrace my nature- I'm as introverted as they come. I feel defective in social situations a lot of times. It's better to know that I just socialize differently and that there isn't something fundamentally wrong with the fact that I only switch on when topics I care about deeply come up (Han shot first!!!). I have taken advantage of every speaking opportunity I've had this year, which I think has helped me be more comfortable around people. None of them went that well. It's sort of like the standup comedian who bombs, lives, and goes on the next night anyway, more fearless than before- at least I hope it's like that.
   
• I took a few tentative steps to learning new things. Brewing beer, coding (a very few steps there), and even pushing myself again in my work, which unfortunately I haven't done enough of the last few years; I think that's the most devastating part of being clinically depressed. Luckily, I seem to continue to become more aware of when my depressive thinking comes up and can manage it a lot more effectively than I once did. It's still there, but does occupy less of my mind. And I can fight it. I had a pretty bad setback in my research a month ago and had a lot of other things going on too, but despite that huge negative, I seem to have bounced back OK. I didn't just give up.
  
• I have learned to say no more. And yes. I've said yes more often the last few months than I have all year. I hope all this new input into my brain will lead to me feeling less stuck.
  
• I'm learning to use Twitter to network and interact more with the online science community, which seems to be thriving. Almost to the point I often feel that writing my own account of my experiences as a scientist just don't belong on the internet (just because it's written down doesn't mean it's worth reading or is even a legitimate voice). I'm writing anyway, mostly for myself because I actually find it fun to use my words (however ineffectively). As I've said in this blog before a few times I think, I serve as an example of what not to do as a postdoc/grad student; for changing my own habits as well as for anyone that reads what I write and is helped by it (I can dream). I consider myself an educator and I take my undergrad university's motto to heart: 'Not unto ourselves alone are we born'.
  
• I recently joined a running club, which is changing up my routine a fair bit as well. I went for an 8 mile run on election day morning in below freezing temperatures. I never would have done that on my own, but might now that I've done it once. It is also a social activity/group which is good for me. 

So inch by inch I am clawing my way up from the bottom of the canyon I was in. If I keep it up, I can declare I've made it to the top and stand on the canyon ledge and declare the arrival of Ian 3.0. This will involve doing more: reading, writing, applying, experimenting, learning, trying, failing, trying again, and persevering into a new and better place (mentally, if not physically). 

I hope all of that will lead to an increased energy budget and to more effectively using my time for the things I care about. 

I get to.

update this blog.

wake up and get going each morning.

live in the present.

be enough.

learn something new.

enjoy my coffee.

stand in a power pose.

be a scientist.

push my comfort zone.

read a book.

                                                                                    take a nap.

                                                                                    explore.

*This is me experimenting with a new way of updating this blog. Playing with formats is fun, no?