Self talk.

PAST.

I'm no good. I'm embarrassed to even be walking the Earth. I want to get run over by a bus. I want to crawl under a rock and stay there. I don't want to talk to anyone. Or make eye contact. Or talk to them. Or declare my presence.  I am an impostor. Anxiety boils over in my head. I am extremely perfectionist. I am neurotic. 

Why bother investing in myself? Nothing will work out for me no matter what I do. I question and ruminate on every decision I make no matter how insignificant. 

I don't love myself. Rationally, I know there are people who care about me, but I don't  know why. I know I'm better off than many, but still feel awful about it. Truly, the world would be better off without me. I don't matter. Or count. I'm useless. 

Things can't possibly change. I'm too...old, set in my ways, don't know what I'm doing, uncertain, indecisive, asocial...I am wrong. A mistake.

PRESENT.

I am doing more. I am in the arena a little more often. I have accepted my my introverted nature and understand more that it's not a flaw, just a part of who I am. I am inching my way back up to feeling like it's OK for me to live life. Doing something. Or at least trying to. I still don't have a good direction to go in. I am trying to prevent career burnout by doing things for myself that are novel and new. And enjoyable. I am exploring slightly more. And through this blog, commenting on things through Twitter (my tweets made it onto the #Sciquester home page the AAAS had!), emailing people and asking for the things I need more often. I try to do something that will make me uncomfortable every day...I even succeed sometimes.

I am much more open to feedback. A friend of mine- @MalaChakraborti- who has been a huge support to me when I was in my deepest depression wrote this to me recently: 

"You have a pretty strong tendency to qualify your sentiments, and sometimes you go pretty far at the self deprecation part. The reason I'm pointing it out is because I think it no longer really represents your true opinion of yourself in that situation, but has become a habit from a time when the sentiment was stronger."

I have noticed this myself. When I write, or speak to people, I still come from a perspective that I don't have a clue and am not confident. While it's true that I don't feel I have a ton of confidence, I do try to have a more confident voice. I go back and edit things I write when I see equivocations in my writing whenever I see them. I'm sure I do a lot of that here in this blog (I'm doing it right now...), but this is meant to be fairly quick and informal writing. 

I am taking enjoyment in things a bit more. However, I am not engaged in my work. The idea of doing something else is still strong in my head (this economy scares me still- no more middle class apparently...). I am slowly being swallowed and stifled by my scientific career and feel I need something else to lead a meaningful life (having a significant other is a long standing goal of mine still). I just feel largely lifeless when I'm working. I like science, but the career prospects to stay in it are absolutely dismal. It keeps me up at night sometimes.

I am having more compassion for myself as well. Not that I feel like everything I'm doing is OK, but being kind to myself helps me recover from set backs.

Things I have done so far that make me uncomfortable are actually looking more into my finances, setting up a newish home network, learning and trying new things in the lab, talking more (even though my voice sounds weird when I am more extroverted...and feels like someone else talking entirely), I am using more tools to help organize myself- like doing a weekly review, using Evernote (awesome!), and Unclutter to keep my desktop clear.

I am continuing to learn about myself- reading about High sensitivity (pretty sure that fits me well) and learning more about will power/habit formation and trying to learn good ones. And continue to be more mindful. 

FUTURE.

I want to be bolder. Take more chances. Make more mistakes- and hopefully learn more from trying rather than reading theoretically about how something works. Not over thinking, which is still very much a habit of mine. I would love to just decide something and do it. Right then. And not be so afraid to spend money on things I want because I fear buying stupid things. And of course, I hope a major life change comes soon and I can truly announce the release of Ian 3.0.

Scars.

I got an injury in lab today. Probably not my first, but this one hurts a lot. And this one is unique. I cut my back on that key that sticks out of some models of -80 freezers. I was squeezing past an open incubator door across the way, something I do routinely, but this time I caught my back. 

You'd think I'd have stopped as soon as I felt it digging in. But no, I was in a hurry for some reason and just pushed through.

Just pushing through even when something hurts might be the MO of scientists. We deal with rejection, negative feedback, criticism from ourselves and others ,and experiments that don't turn out well. 

Too much adversity in the lab has lead to scars in my mind. While I love science, it hasn't been a great source of self-worth. And disconnection, depression, and distress have followed.  

As Science Careers post points out, the job of a postdoc is to find a job. The article is full of practical advice about taking full advantage of your postdoc experience. Network. Collaborate. Make good decisions. Get lots of feedback from mentors you cultivate. Learn. It's an exciting time...

In the current time of limited budgets, limited jobs and an overpopulation in STEM Ph.D.'s, it is hard to be an optimist in the face of what seem like increasingly long odds of 'making it'.  The "postdocalypse" appear to be unprecedented. It has always been hard to get an academic job, or a job. It just seems worse now. It is widely acknowledged that preparing Ph.D.'s for the job market that includes not just academia, but industry and even things beyond the field of science is woefully inadequate to the times. Job search criteria continue to increase. Just needed a resume and 3 references before? Now they'll Google you, call your immediate colleagues (not just your reference writer), check your credit score, FBI background check, anal probe (OK, I made up that last one, but I'm sure there's a job somewhere that requires that too...). In academia, the long CV (including multiple, brilliant first author publications that change the face of a field...) and teaching statement are now ubiquitous, along with the research statement. I was thinking the other day that there must be another thing they could ask for...perhaps a 'broader impact' statement that talks about not only teaching, but how your research, integrates with teaching and interfaces with the community to tell the story of science and scientists who do the work and how you'll implement it all largely on your own in a 5 year time frame. To boldly go....

Getting off on the right foot is obviously very important. As is taking an entrepreneurial attitude towards our careers. And of course it all comes back to connecting with people.

I can deal with the physical scars from lab incidents, which are hopefully limited to rare and minor scrapes like the one pictured above. The scar inside the brain of someone who is (and can still be at times) depressed are less obvious. It doesn't mean I can't be a scientist. Or that I'm not intelligent. Or capable of having a successful career. However, at times when depression is pervasive and long term, it prevents seeing opportunity or connecting to people very well. This is due at least in part to the fact that it made me feel less than anyone else, not recognizing any strength that I did have and feeling like no one would understand. I also felt that keeping anything 'heavy' to myself would prevent me from bringing other people down. Isolation plays right into depression's hands. 

It's still not easy, or comfortable, for me to talk about, but speaking out I hope will help others as well as myself. Sunshine- connection to others- a therapist, close friend or family member, or writing a blog- all help alleviate depression's grip. Having things outside the lab and getting over perfectionism are quite important. Both are things I still need to address more. I am making slow progress in the right direction. Taking more action. 

No matter what the scars are or where they come from, they're part of all of us. The best I can do is exist in the present, plan for the future and hope for the best. And maybe, just maybe I'll land on my feet after following the long and winding road to whereever I end up. I hope well connected to people I care about- and seeing those people in person on a regular basis.

For now, my minor bit of good news is I am 2nd author on a paper that I just found out was accepted. Step in the right direction after being in the fight of my life to heal the scars left by depression, anxiety and perfectionism. 

Light.

Light.

I've written before about this quote:

"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."- Leonard Cohen

I haven't done the best job about letting light in. Or showing my cracks. 

I continue to feel isolated in my own world.

I still exhibit too much avoidance/anxiety/procrastination in my life. 

Pushing my comfort zone with calculated risk doesn't seem to be my thing. And it needs to become a habit of mine.

Light..

Where does the smile go? It doesn't come out often enough. I don't go out often enough. 

It's an indicator that I might still be fairly depressed about things in my life. 

The easy distractions still get to me. 

I ruminate.

Don't laugh.

I numb my emotions. 

I don't always have a lot of energy. Or feel like being out in the world.

I want to feel more light more of the time. Laugh more. 

Light...

Maybe there is some light at the end of my tunnel, even if it appears millions of miles away.

Can you see venus through the rings of Saturn? 

That's how far the light at the end of my tunnel feels a lot of the time. 

At least it's visible now. I truly didn't think it was before. 

I must keep writing. Doing. Asking. Talking. Deciding. Finishing. Learning. Lightening.

Present.

Present.

I had to present the department seminar today, the journal club of the plant labs, but postdocs present our current work. 

I have a lot of pain associated with the last few years as a postdoc. I'm trying not to dwell and I put together what I could in the time I had. But didn't have much time to rehearse, which is really a problem for me. 

So when I went up to talk, I was nervous. I talked too quickly, I felt incoherent and on auto pilot. I felt completely disconnected from the audience, who were more than kind enough to listen to me.

Part of this is content related- I am not engaged with it, but I'm trying again, with all aspects of my life. I'm just not connecting well.

I wasn't present in the moment. Something I struggle with even when I'm not speaking in front of ostensibly friendly audiences (I always feel on trial- even if that's not the case). 

I felt like a stand up comedian bombing on stage. Comedians like to talk about their bombs once they get to a certain point. I guess I just haven't reached it with presenting my work, or presenting at all. I do need to do it more often.

Present..

I still feel too often like I'm a mistake- an embarrassment of a human being. So whenever I'm in front of people or talking to them,  I have a high level of self-consciousness. I've felt that way for so long, I'm not sure how to change it even though I'm really trying to move past that mentality.

I am trying to show up. Be present. Do my work. And working on being compassionate to myself. 

That last part is probably the key to unlocking a lot of good things in life; passion for work, better relationships all stemming from actually liking myself. Which is a feeling I haven't had for a long time. Be a presence.

Present...

Will I ever put things together and figure out how to get the true presents of life? Not stuff, but normal relationships, a meaningful job, a significant other, etc. Will I declare my presence here and do things because I want to, live in my own authentic way and not worry what others think. Not try to be invisible. Not have to be perfect.

Declaring that it's OK for me to assert myself is a big step for me. Not feeling guilty. Blogging about things that matter. Learning something new every day. Being mindful. 

Be present.

Engage.

Engage is the command Captain Picard gives when a course is laid in and things are ready to go. Usually at warp speed. Warp speed is what I'm thinking I need to get to to get all of my things done that I want to, work wise. Of course, that won't really happen. A guy can dream.

I've talked before about how this blog is in part what not to do as a postdoc. Which is as much for myself as for any Ph.D./postdoc I can help not hit the floor (or if they do, how to bounce back quickly & be resilient). 

And something that's been on my mind lately is being engaged with your work. 

Feeling like your'e doing something that matters. Feeling like you're advancing something greater than yourself. 

It seems particularly important in a time when postdocs are having a hard time finding work. Academic jobs particularly. 

Being truly engaged and passionate about what we do is more important than ever. The postdoc who finds what they love will more likely be successful. 

I haven't been nearly engaged enough in my postdoc and besides getting depressed about my work and my life, I think lack of engagement has been a big issue for me. 

Choose your field/project well. And carefully. Based on what you love in science.

I love science. But I haven't found my thing or so it seems anyhow. Is it too late? It appears so some days. 

You also have to carve out time for things outside the lab that you enjoy. It will make being engaged with your work that much easier.

I'm starting to do this. Finally. Enjoy the present. Getting some space is good. Other people is good. Being an adult (and a scientist) shouldn't mean 'I don't spend time with friends, family and significant others' (I don't have a significant other, but do have friends and family).

I'm reading @ShaneMac's book 'Stop With the BS' which is focused on the business world, but has a lot of good things for scientists in academic labs to keep in mind too. Work beyond your title, network, pitch ideas w/o fear, push your comfort zone. 

I have been struck by the parallels between business, art, and science worlds; sometimes jobs are 9 to 5, but if you're creating new things, it's very similar (science and business cross all the time. Art and Science are starting to more and more- which is why STEAM (Science, technology, Engineering, Arts, and Math) ought to be the acronym; we have a lot to learn from one another. 

Learning is of course the key to success. Never stop. Learn by research, learn from others, learn from your errors. It can be uncomfortable, but one good thing about being a scientist. We experiment, try things and see if they fit a hypothesis. Bring that ehtos to your life as well. Try, see if it fits or works. Change your mind if the evidence suggests the opposite of what you thought (like me w/ Twitter for a long time- I didn't see the point. Now I think it's amazing). 

I want to be in a place where instead of answering 'how am I doing?' with 'I'm OK' I say 'I'm f*cking great!' (a phrase from the documentary 'I'm Fine, Thanks').

Work hard. Know yourself. Accept yourself. Don't beat yourself up too much. And don't give up. You'll land somewhere (even if it's not a TT position at Awesome U.).

Things I'm trying to keep in mind.

Ants.

Based on a Twitter discussion with Steve Hamblin (@BehavEcology) I am a little too excited about comparing postdocs and grad students to an ant colony. Biochem Belle (@BiochemBelle) posted a few months ago about how tired the indentured servant analogy is- and how inaccurate (I'm sure others have said similar things). 

However, the ant idea has legs...six of them. 

1. Ant colonies are collectively smart, so are Ph.D.'s and postdocs (and the scientific enterprise generally).
2. In ant colonies individuals are expendable, so are Ph.D's and postdocs
3. Ant colonies are very persistent and collaborative, following other ants to food, etc...sounds like Ph.D.'s and postdocs
4. Ant colonies are adaptable. Ph.D.'s and postdocs also adapt to solve problems in their environments
5. Ants are very strong. Ph.D.'s and postdocs have strong brains at least
6. Ants can have fungi infect their brains. Ph.D's and postdocs seem very prone to depression, anxiety, impostor syndrome and other brain issues (I'll raise my hand and say I have had to deal with these things & I don't think I'm alone)

I like this analogy...there's at least dignity in it (ants are cool!). It acknowledges the difficulties faced by individuals and can be put into an ecosystem context- currently there are too many ants for the resources available. I have no idea if this actually ever happens in the real world. It is certainly the case with Ph.D's and postdocs. Hopefully it's not so dire that only the lucky few make it to 'old age' as it might be with an ant colony. 

I also realize that ant colonies are all female...which is obviously not the case amongst the scientific population (especially at the faculty level), but that may be taking the analogy to the breaking point. 

I might well be crazy here, but it was fun to think about this. 

As an addendum, I've basically disabled comments here- I'd prefer to interact via Twitter. Such a great medium for discussion. 

High School Self.

High School Self

I was made aware of this article on why we never leave high school and why that's actually not good news for many of us. It mentions one of my current favorite books 'Daring Greatly' and Dr. Brown's research. 

That thought terrifies me. I think that it might well be true. If I think back to my high school self, it is much like I am now. If High School was where I was supposed to learn how to interact with people, I dont' think I did very well. It's something I struggle with daily. I did my best to stay invisible- for fear (somewhat legitimate) that being noticed would lead to bad things- something I still tend to think too often. This blog is supposed to help with that. Stick my neck out...

I suppose there is one good thing: I survived. 

Which brings me to this...

Buffy

I have been watching 'Buffy, The Vampire Slayer' lately, which got me thinking about high school even more. For those who aren't familiar, Joss Whedon took the concept of the motion picture and turned it into a great television series. It supposes a world where magic, vampires and demons invade Sunnydale, CA and they often serve as metaphors for surviving high school. The show is funny, smart, awesome and a lot of fun. Most of the characters are well developed too. And of course, it takes me back to the 90's...when I was youngish.

In a quite literal way, the characters (especially Buffy) slays demons. Even the demons have demons at times. 

The first few seasons deal with the high school years. There's a plot where a girl literally becomes invisible- a lot like I felt. It is a show very good at portraying all kinds of outsiders- as well as the impostor syndrome, depression, and anxiety...and of course fighting through all of these things. 

Breaking Bio

Because of Twitter, I discovered The Breaking Bio Podcast, and apparently video blog. Episode 13 is with @JacquelynGill, a paleoecologist and blogger and short term postdoc who has a faculty position nearly straight away- the hosts of the podcast are all youngish postdocs...compared to me who feels like an ancient in postdoc years. It was a good discussion a large group of internationally located people had about her research, impostor syndrome (which clearly many of the hosts have dealt with and at least gotten past to some extent), and women in science- and how they might be more prone to feeling like impostors. While I can't speak to that part, I know that I have never really felt comfortable in academia. I'm getting slightly more comfortable, but don't feel that connected- in any aspect of my life. 

One of the things they talked about was the fact that being desperate in any avenue of life won't help you get anything. It's an odd thing...the more relaxed you can be, and yet engaged and caring at the same time, the more successful you'll be in dating or in job interviewing. I know I've been way too high strung for way too long; I've been trying to be more relaxed and am, but of course, it doesn't seem like it's enough. 

I'm introverted, high anxiety and perfectionist. And feel rather desperate too often...recipe for success, it's not. To be clear, that first trait doesn't make me less qualified, just viewed as less desirable in the United States at least...where the focus is on interacting with as many people as possible. 

Forward

I'm trying to stay positive even though that's difficult..it's not exactly like a world ending apocalypse on 'Buffy', but feels that way a little bit. I'm currently not all that successful professionally or personally. I'd like that to change of course, but my own brain seems to have some very strong walls against that notion. 

I can feel cracks forming in my walls, but they certainly aren't anywhere close to structural failure. 

And with that, I am going to bed. 

Impostor.

Impostor syndrome (IS, happen to be my initials)

I was looking at Twitter and saw a post about the Science Online 2013 where they had a session about impostor syndrome. 

This is something I still feel strongly even today. In graduate school and the first few years of my postdoc, I always saw it as a negative thing. It certainly can be devastating if it gets to the point of 'I am an impostor, I am a mistake' (which is something that I thought for years; still do sometimes). This form of the impostor syndrome prevents people from trying new things and even tinkering around to find things that might work. It prevents action. 

The healthier form of IS

However, there is a healthier form of impostor syndrome that I'm trying to keep in mind more. It's the 'I'm new at this and don't feel like I belong, but that's OK. I'm learning. I'm trying something new. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. Stepping out from the cave. Feeling awkward doing it.  But you're Daring greatly. Like with this blog. It's not as if I'm setting the blogoshpere on fire with my amazing posts. I do this because it's fun for me. And maybe I'll learn a thing or two through doing it. 

The challenge

One of my challenges I set for myself this month is to be more extroverted. Which means talking to more people I just see when i'm out and about (just saying an audible 'hi', with eye contact counts). I feel very awkward about this. And I've done OK with it so far (no Earth shattering moments of having a long conversation yet). I am pushing myself to do things in the lab that are new to me and I don't know if they will work or not. While these are all good things, it is hard to implement. It goes against my nature. 

Tomorrow's another day to work on being, not simply trying. And another day to practice getting to a healthier mindset with the impostor syndrome.

Drive.

Motivation and drive to get things done has been on my mind lately. As well as the things that still get in my way. Several things I have run across have spoken to this lately:

• Biochem Belle (@BiochemBelle) had this  fantastic post about creating ideas, silencing your inner critic for a time, giving yourself space to generate ideas before nixing things in the bud outright (a tendency I certainly have).
• I also recently subscribed to Annie Murphy Paul's 'Brilliant Blog' and her post about a sense of community being important for learning.
• Kerry Ann Roquemore's series on academic perfectionism. I mentioned this series before even though I'd only read the first of the posts. I read the rest and it speaks to my struggles with perfectionism and how I've at least started to take some positive steps towards addressing it.
• I also just watched 'I'm Fine, Thanks', a documentary I was introduced to via itstartswith.com, @sarahkpeck's blog about getting things done and living life well. I had tears in my eyes in recognition during the whole thing. 

All four of these things really resonated with me strongly. Here's why:

• Perfectionism also takes on the guise of my inner critic that shoots down dieas before they even fully form and have time to breathe. Or before I even try.
• Perfectionism is isolating. One thing I've been taught again and again is that learning happens best with other people. For feedback, for support, for new ideas and for getting used to a new environment. Perfectionism keeps you on the sidelines. "It's not the critic who counts...." comes to mind. Perfectionism keeps you out of the arena.
• One things I've lacked as a postdoc is drive. Perfectionism is truly devastating. It's one reason for my disconnection. It's also the reason I procrastinate on things; if they're not going to be perfect, why start? It really is a self-defeating way of thinking. My tendency is to avoid people as an introvert, but they are essential to an effective learning environment.
• When I watched 'I'm Fine, Thanks', it has made me see that I have been defined by a vision that has been defined by others. Namely, grad school, postdoc, then faculty position, then tenure, etc. Oh and a significant other, possibly a family along the way. The straight line to success that doesn't really exist. I feel stuck & disconnected in my current position. I don't have a good history with relationships. And I don't quite have a good idea of what my vision is. I'm starting to question and push that direction, but my feeling right now is that I'm not sure bench research is what I want to be doing forever. The director of the movie decided to make his dream of making a film come true; I like asking and finding answers to questions, but my current setting is not conducive to that.

With this blog, I'm trying to address perfectionism by just writing it pretty loosely and not worrying too much about 'tight' writing. And then putting it out into the world and realizing that it's not fatal. I do strive to be good enough. And coherent. And sometimes clever. 

Perfectionism is deadly. Don't participate. Get past it. Address the underlying insecurity that drives it. Academics do seem very prone to perfectionism. It will lead into depression and other bad places. If you're a perfectionist, join me on the road to recovery. 

Academic mastery vs. real world mastery.

I like 'The Big Bang Theory'. I can see myself in the main characters of the show (not Penny as much, but I'm not an attractive blonde girl from Nebraska who sometimes turns out to the be smartest one in the room when it comes to life in the real world). 

Which brings me to the point of this post (which again, I'm sure has been hashed to death by others in a more engaging way). 

There's an episode 'The Friendship Algorithm' where Sheldon talks about learning how to swim over the internet. He later learns to rock climb by the same method. 

When Sheldon does attempt to actually rock climb, he makes it part way up the wall until he realizes he's 'high up' (5 feet, at most!), gets really scared and can't move up or down. And eventually faints and falls off the wall...'hanging there like a huge Salami' as Barry Kripke describes it. 

Funny scene, but also speaks to an issue I know I struggle with. Being in my own head too often. And when confronted with something practical I need to do, I freeze in fear. If it's something new, it needs to be studied to death first (it is kind of amazing that Sheldon gets anything done, but perhaps because he's a theoretical physicist, his work truly is all in his head and he just needs to write it down in publishable form). 

I may be doing better but I'm still too perfectionist for my own good. It's hard to separate striving for excellence with trying to be perfect. Obviously, the former is fine, the latter is crippling. Jason Moore shared this series on academic perfectionism addresses the issues I definitely still have- almost at an unconscious level. I do it automatically with writing, it's part of the reason I write here. to get over it (it's partly helped). I haven't read the whole series, but the first installment nails the problem...I can't wait to read the rest of it. It is targeted towards faculty, but think the issues apply equally to grad students and postdocs. 

The level of certainty I seem to need in things is higher than for most other people. Like Raj on 'Big Bang', I have trouble talking to women (at least ones that I don't know..I'm OK w/ female friends). It's perfectionism + needing certainty of outcome for me to proceed. 

Trying to live purely intellectually is what I've done for so long that it's hard to learn a new way of doing things. Or to do what Sheldon doesn't, try to get over fear, get out of my head into the messy uncertain world and try as many new things as possible. It's where my resolutions are centered this year. I have no doubt I'm in for a world of mistakes.

Lifehacker was once again helpful with a timely post about taking small steps towards addressing anxieties and fear. As I do with this blog, I guess it means exposing myself to the real world. 

So this year, I am working on being the master of my academic work, but also to not be as paralyzed by the real world either. Through small steps. Let's see how I do...
          

Ever on and on.

'The Hobbit' opened this last weekend. And this JRR Tolkien verse came to mind in thinking about my post this week:

"The Road goes ever on and on // Down from the door where it began. // Now far ahead the Road has gone, // And I must follow, if I can, // Pursuing it with weary feet, // Until it joins some larger way, // Where many paths and errands meet. // And whither then? I cannot say."

'The Hobbit' was one of my favorite books growing up. I'm taller, don't have furry feet and only have one breakfast a day, but in my attitude towards adventure, I am decidedly Hobbit-like. Bilbo had to be forced into adventure. I'm barely there in my own life. I stay safe in too many ways.

I know one theme in this blog is to serve as an example of what not to do as a postdoc. It's really the most useful function I can serve. 

How do I push myself to be less risk-averse? And when I say risk-averse, I often feel that I don't 'deserve' to use the fantastic digital tools we have access to these days. Or it's OK that I have a Gmail account, but couldn't possibly sign up for two; That's for people who have 'real' things going on. Nor use all of its features to enhance my productivity, organization and life. Staying small and in my comfort zone is usually where you can find me and I find that frustrating. I'm not enough and so don't get to partake of what everyone else does routinely.

Being timid isn't good for a life in science or anywhere else. SciCurious wrote this post about what she wished she'd known in grad school. Wish I'd known them better too; the commenters have some great suggestions too. I would say that mistakes are harder to take in an environment when your scientists are having a harder time finding steady jobs where we make a decent living for our level of education. It's enough to keep me up at night...so many stupid mistakes.

I watched 'Losing Control' this evening and came away with the message that applying laboratory and scientific thinking to everything isn't a good idea to be applied to life generally. The movie does capture the thinking (or at least my thinking) of scientists and our world pretty well.

I know I've mentioned 'Daring Greatly' ad nauseum in my posts. It really is a good book & I think Dr. Brown has hit upon something pretty profound (at least to me). For this post close to the end of 2012, I've decided to do Dr. Brown's checklist for 'wholehearted living' as printed in "Daring Greatly", page 8. Wholehearted isn't a term that resonates with me, but I see what she's getting at- Let's see how I'm doing:

Wholehearted living feature on the left. whether I've achieved the goal or not at right in bold (followed by annoying asides I like to make...:

1. Cultivating Authenticity (letting go of what others think): No (though I am progressing; unabashed Whovian here). 

2. Cultivating Self Compassion (letting go of perfectionism): Yes/No (Now that I know what self-compassion actually is, I'm practicing it more,  still have to remind myself very actively to not let the perfect be the enemy of the good).

3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit (letting go of numbing and powerlessness): NO, not really. @#$%! 

4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Yessish...I'm doing ok with gratitude. Joy is hard to come by.

5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith (Letting go of the need for Certainty): NO.  

6. Cultivating Creativity (Letting go of comparison): NO, though I think I'm doing a little better here. Comparing things is just what scientists do. 

7. Cultivating Play and Rest (Letting go fo exhaustion as status symbol & productivity as self worth): NO! 

8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness (letting go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle): NO (Unfortunately :-/).

9.  Cultivating Meaningful Work (Letting go of self-doubt and "Supposed to": NO (I too often feel I'm supposed to be _____. Blank = better, married, wealthier, more tech savvy, more practical, bolder, extroverted, less depressed). 

10. Cultivating Laughter, Song and Dance (Letting go of being cool and "Always In Control": NO.  

Of course, this is subjective scoring on my part, but it does reflect how I feel (I started this post days ago and am coming back to my initial answers and I feel the same now as I did then. I don't have a definitive yes at all. Ouch. Something to work towards. This blog is a help as well I think: I hope I've found my voice this year. Or at least am more comfortable expressing myself- keeping things in hasn't done me any favors (I realize writing on the internet may not be the best way of expressing my views/doing something useful, but I do like to write it). If I help someone (even myself) function better in the world of science (by being mostly an example of what not to do), then this blog has done its job.

Here's hoping 2013 sees the launch of Ian 3.0. 

Clawing.

I have a limited amount of energy. 

A lot of my effort this year has been in trying to find things that energize me more. Finding what motivates me to keep going. Finding what makes me tick. I've found some successes this year:

• I have hung this on my wall to remind me to appreciate life and to keep creativity, passion and ideas in mind as I tend to go on autopilot a lot.
  
• I've become an avid reader of Lifehacker, though I may have overdosed on it a bit. A lot of the posts there really have helped me form some new productivity (learning keyboard shortcuts for many things! So cool!) habits as well as new ways of thinking.
   
• I've read a lot more books recreationally than I have in a long time as well. Most influential has been Quiet by Susan Cain. I have been reading more about and exploring introversion a lot more this year and finding ways in which I can embrace my nature- I'm as introverted as they come. I feel defective in social situations a lot of times. It's better to know that I just socialize differently and that there isn't something fundamentally wrong with the fact that I only switch on when topics I care about deeply come up (Han shot first!!!). I have taken advantage of every speaking opportunity I've had this year, which I think has helped me be more comfortable around people. None of them went that well. It's sort of like the standup comedian who bombs, lives, and goes on the next night anyway, more fearless than before- at least I hope it's like that.
   
• I took a few tentative steps to learning new things. Brewing beer, coding (a very few steps there), and even pushing myself again in my work, which unfortunately I haven't done enough of the last few years; I think that's the most devastating part of being clinically depressed. Luckily, I seem to continue to become more aware of when my depressive thinking comes up and can manage it a lot more effectively than I once did. It's still there, but does occupy less of my mind. And I can fight it. I had a pretty bad setback in my research a month ago and had a lot of other things going on too, but despite that huge negative, I seem to have bounced back OK. I didn't just give up.
  
• I have learned to say no more. And yes. I've said yes more often the last few months than I have all year. I hope all this new input into my brain will lead to me feeling less stuck.
  
• I'm learning to use Twitter to network and interact more with the online science community, which seems to be thriving. Almost to the point I often feel that writing my own account of my experiences as a scientist just don't belong on the internet (just because it's written down doesn't mean it's worth reading or is even a legitimate voice). I'm writing anyway, mostly for myself because I actually find it fun to use my words (however ineffectively). As I've said in this blog before a few times I think, I serve as an example of what not to do as a postdoc/grad student; for changing my own habits as well as for anyone that reads what I write and is helped by it (I can dream). I consider myself an educator and I take my undergrad university's motto to heart: 'Not unto ourselves alone are we born'.
  
• I recently joined a running club, which is changing up my routine a fair bit as well. I went for an 8 mile run on election day morning in below freezing temperatures. I never would have done that on my own, but might now that I've done it once. It is also a social activity/group which is good for me. 

So inch by inch I am clawing my way up from the bottom of the canyon I was in. If I keep it up, I can declare I've made it to the top and stand on the canyon ledge and declare the arrival of Ian 3.0. This will involve doing more: reading, writing, applying, experimenting, learning, trying, failing, trying again, and persevering into a new and better place (mentally, if not physically). 

I hope all of that will lead to an increased energy budget and to more effectively using my time for the things I care about. 

Growth.

I study plants. Sessile organisms that grow in a particular environment. They put down roots and develop in the most optimal way for their environmental conditions. 

In graduate school, I had a joke about how various PIs showed characteristics of the organisms they studied. The Drosophila PI flitted about like a tiny fly would, the C. elegans lecturers were like the nematodes they studied...most boring lecturers ever. the lecturuers who worked on mice were very mouse-like. Is your PI like the model organism they work on? Since I haven't spent a lot of time with yeast, I'm not exactly sure how a human would be Yeast-like, but I'm sure they're out there. 

Now I'm wondering if I'm a plant. I do seem to be rooted in place, and worst, I'm a plant that hasn't been allowed to grow. I'm like a severe mutant, impaired in some way trying to figure out how to 'make it'- and hopefully I can live out a normal life. 

I'm also still trying to find the sun so I can thrive. I don't think I'm in the optimal environment, but any plant that grows in a marginal place must adapt to that, whereas an animal can get up and walk away.

I can walk. And run. But I still feel rooted in place. And stuck. Some of it I'm sure is this, the ultimate career pressure to succeed and I just haven't performed. They aren't the conditions for me to best succeed. I'm not sure what conditions are best for me, but certainly not one where perfectionism is a default option. 

Growth has been on my mind a lot this year (look at past posts, that I'm still not good at citing within my blog- I'm still an amateur when it comes to this interwebs stuff). 

I think I'm doing better at pushing my comfort zone, though I don't see much magic happening. Maybe it's starting. I am a lot more curious again than I used to be. Things actually interest me again; which wasn't really the case a year ago, though apathy is still all too present in my life. I did raise $343 for the local cancer center a few weeks ago, which is something I don't think I've ever done before, so I am proud of that. In some ways, I am waking up again and actually living rather than just coasting through like a zombie. 

Is it enough? I don't think so. Not yet. I still have a lot to work towards, and need to get more organized. about everything and set my goals to be achievable and accountable. I am expressing myself more and am more accepting of who I am (introverted is my most prominent personality trait). 

I have applied for some jobs this year, none of which I'll get, but I did it anyway. I think I understand networking a lot better now, even if I'm not that good at it still. 

I will have made 3 batches of beer this year as well. 

Signs of growth? I sure hope so. Am I a plant who will make it to a new environment? Or do I get to truly launch Ian3.0 this year? I don't know, but maybe I took a few steps towards that.

So the growth continues. Hopefully I nurture myself well enough to thrive in the near future.